A Thursday night parlay that will have you flicking your bean - By Devin Walker

Posted by Nick Williamson on

Okay -- first things first -- let's address the black and silver elephant in the room… The raiders fucked us to start the week and have left me only two available options: Be a beta and try to nickel and dime my way back to even OR pony up on a crisp autumn evening, pour 3 fingers of bourbon and string together a 3 TEAM Thursday night HEATER that will get us out of the red and into the goddamn money.

Luckily for you I have a Blanton's stash for this exact scenario. 


Game 1: NCAA Football Houston @ Tulane 7:30PM EST


HOUSTON HOUSTON HOUSTON. If you’re afraid of the parlay because you enjoy self-deprecation and are instead looking for a single game guaranteed LOCK -- look no further. Since losing to Texas Tech (4-1 only loss came from #21 Texas) Houston (4-1) has outscored its opponents 162 to 37 and put an absolute beating on Tulsa last week on their own field. 


Tulane started this season strong with a 5 point loss to #6 Oklahoma and a blow out win at home against Morgan St (whoever the fuck that is??) but are since 0-3 and seemingly getting worse each week. The Green Wave have given up 40 or more in four or their five games this season and that is not the recipe for success against a Houston team that likes to play fast and score faster. Houston will put up points in bunches and unless they completely shit the bed defensively this game won’t be close. 


Pick 1: Houston -6.5




Game 2: NCAA Football #15 Coastal Carolina @ Arkansas State 


If Conway South Carolina's own Coastal Carolina Chanticleers aren’t on your radar yet let me introduce you to your bank account's new best friend. Yes I’m partial to mullets and wild-man head coaches and, yes, I once dated an attendee of this prestigious university who brought me Gatorade and yogurt parfaits in bed, Shoutout Jen Metzger. But my love for the chant’s isn’t strictly semantics. This football team is for real and could very well fit this season's glass slipper. A relentless turnover crazed  chant’s defense will keep the ball in the hands of dynamic second year starter Grayson McCall and this one could get ugly fast.


The aforementioned Tulsa Golden Hurricanes captured their only win of the season by way of this same Arkansas State squad. Another team that has given up 40 plus in four of its five games thus far. I don’t see a single phase of this game that won’t be dominated by Coastal and although the 20 point line seems high I’d take this game as high as -24.5 so I’m very comfortable buying half a point so as not to get snake bit and laying -19.5 with Coastal on the road.


Pick 2: Coastal Carolina -19.5



Game 3: NFL Thursday Night Football L.A. Rams @ Seattle Seahawks 


My brother once told his accident prone fiancé “failure to prepare is preparing to fail” and in a short week following a battle with the 49er’s I don’t foresee this Seahawks team putting a game plan together that will keep them in this thing for four quarters. Russell Wilson is absolutely dealing right now and looks like a man on a mission. Combine that with an incredibly hostel environment for opposing offenses and you ALMOST have enough to get me nervous. Operative word there being almost. 


Whenever dealing with the quick turnaround these Thursday Night Football matchups bring to the table I tend to go with the best team on paper and in this matchup without a doubt that is the Rams. I expect to see a defense possessed after being exposed by Kyler Murray and the Cardinals and although Murray and Wilson have similar skill sets I think that helps The Rams preparation and we won’t see the same mistakes we saw last Sunday. I expect the Rams to come out firing and try to put this one away in the first three quarters knowing they don't want to tempt fate with a Seattle crowd that can impact the game late. 


Pick 3: L.A. Rams -2.5



The Road favorite parlay: Houston -6.5, Coastal -19.5, L.A. rams -2.5 +575


Bet it forget it and prepare your "Oh Face". 


Devin Walker